09 November 2006
Vent and Rant (Prose): The Line in the Sand
Having nothing else to fight about, my Grandpa seems to find the smallest imperfections I have, and throw them my way ("Right Here" by Staind, anyone?).
I've said before, to those I know in real life, that my folks want me to be "110% Jesus" to please them - in other words, an unattainable goal. It's not fun to never feel like you're good enough: You try to be the most benign, gentle person you can possibly aim to be - I'm almost like an urban hermit in a way, in my room much of the time and trying not to raise a ruckus - and someone always makes you out to be the flippin' Devil.
I've never put my "110% Jesus" expression in writing before - but here it is. I hope Grandpa reads this:
Grandpa:
My Grandma's said before that I "have a complex." I certainly do. This is why! I CAN'T WIN! ¶ 11/09/2006 05:01:00 PM
Having nothing else to fight about, my Grandpa seems to find the smallest imperfections I have, and throw them my way ("Right Here" by Staind, anyone?).
I've said before, to those I know in real life, that my folks want me to be "110% Jesus" to please them - in other words, an unattainable goal. It's not fun to never feel like you're good enough: You try to be the most benign, gentle person you can possibly aim to be - I'm almost like an urban hermit in a way, in my room much of the time and trying not to raise a ruckus - and someone always makes you out to be the flippin' Devil.
I've never put my "110% Jesus" expression in writing before - but here it is. I hope Grandpa reads this:
Grandpa:
- I CANNOT BE PERFECT. Only Jesus and the Lord ever were, or ever can be.
- I cannot do everything you want me to do.
- I cannot do ten things at once.
- I cannot work the bug out of your computer - the one that kicks you off of Hearts - without money to buy a new video card. I've already done over a month's worth of research, and contacted some people. It isn't happening; let's not beat a dead horse. When an organ is bad in the body, you do a transplant. Your computer needs a video card transplant!
- I am morbidly afraid of wasps and bees. When we work in the yard, that's why I stop when they come around. It may not be your idea of macho; too bad. Get over it.
- I refuse to keep trying to help prevent and/or fix problems in your computer, just to "keep getting my nose rubbed in the dung." The amount of time I've put into that bucket-of-bolts is worth thousands of dollars - that's what you'd have been charged by anyone else with my level of certification and knowledge. I don't want a wad of money - but to a bit of thanks, and perhaps backing off your Hearts obsession to allow for a full backup one night, would be much appreciated.
- I DO NOT DITCH SCHOOL! I still remember that day when I was terribly ill, about two semesters ago: stomach wretching, head huring, not having been able to sleep in two days. I also remember your reaction, when I mentioned that I needed to stay home - you said you'd throw me on the street.
I hadn't missed a day of school in two years.
So, I went to school that day. On the way, my glasses broke - I was barely able to save the screws. I struggled to keep from tossing my cookies on the bus; I babbled like a drunk man, from the lack of sleep. I was sweating bullets, and likely running a fever. When I got to school, I went to the experimental computer lab - thinking they would have a screwdriver small enough to fix my glasses. They did - but I was so tired and woozy, that it took me a half hour. I stayed in class, and learned nothing - and succeeded in making an ass out of myself, since I had so little proper consciousness left. It's an absolute miracle I made it home that night - considering I had to walk a mile, after navigating the maze of bus routes home.
All this, because you thought I was a "quitter." Well, I'm sorry that Mother Nature always wins in a battle with us poor mortals.
I thought you had changed your tune a couple weeks ago, when I came home early from Oracle class, with a horrible stomachache. It was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life; I felt as if my internal organs were being crushed. I rolled up in a ball, unable to even stand the pain in any position other than my side. I actually moaned and almost screamed in pain... I broke out into a cold sweat, and my heart completely palpatated, beating fast and seemingly incompletely, very noticeable. I began to repent - I swear upon my soul, I actually was afraid I was going to die.
You suprised me by coming in and at least talking to me.. but it was short-lived. Eventually the pain went away.. but as soon as classes started again the next week, you said, "Don't ditch class; don't leave early."
Oh ye of little faith...
I'm sorry I ever came home early that day from Oracle. I should have just stayed, and collapsed there. I don't know what would have happened.. but I'm willing to bet it would have at least shocked your blind eyes into seeing I'm not a liar.
But then again, you might come to my hospital bed, just to let me know I'm a "quitter."
- I'm sorry that I'm a human being with a heart and soul, and with feelings.
- I'm sorry that I have the basic human desire to have friends.
- I'm sorry that I'm not Jesus, and can't be perfect for you.
- I'm sorry that I'm a mere mortal, and vulerable to sickness and injury.
- I'm sorry that I spent so much time keeping your computer clean over the years, so that the baddies wouldn't hijack it or steal your identity.
- I'm sorry that I have an imagination, and dream of better things than your hellhole of verbal barbs.
- I'm sorry that I argued with you over 1 degree on the thermostat - I didn't think you'd damn near throw an axe at me.
- I'm sorry I stay up past midnight sometimes on the computer, in my room, "keeping you awake" by the clack of my typing, and my watching of non-fiction TV shows. Perhaps you'd like it better if I was out partying, drinking, doing dope, breaking the law, otherwise raising Cain, and you had no idea where I was.
My Grandma's said before that I "have a complex." I certainly do. This is why! I CAN'T WIN! ¶ 11/09/2006 05:01:00 PM
Comments:
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Oy. Fundies.
Gotta love 'em, because otherwise I would likely beat them senseless with a clue by 4.
The problem with Fundies is they have forgotten what the fundamentals are. Love your neighbor, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, help the ill get well.
Well, my door is open if you want someplace to go to escPE...
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Gotta love 'em, because otherwise I would likely beat them senseless with a clue by 4.
The problem with Fundies is they have forgotten what the fundamentals are. Love your neighbor, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, help the ill get well.
Well, my door is open if you want someplace to go to escPE...
# posted by 
: November 10, 2006 at 6:49:00 AM PST
: November 10, 2006 at 6:49:00 AM PST<< Home
